O.K. I'm going to just say it; growing up Tim was a clown, a goofball. And not just your run of the mill everyday goofball, he was gifted. His light hearted playfulness and teasing always on full display. A prankster always in search of the opportunity for a quick joke or to elevate his game with a better prank. The goofball who often times could be heard belting out his own personal rendition of the song Roxanne as he left the locker room for the baseball diamond.
You put Tim between the lines and he would slip his cloak of clownishness and became a fierce competitor, the consummate teammate. One who was quick to praise and quietly lend support. But after the final whistle back into character he would go. Not a lot of dull bus rides home with Tim Druffel in the house.
Outside of the classroom and sports, Tim and I shared a love for the outdoors. We spent many hour fishing through out the region and hunting the canyons of the Snake River. Deer hunting became a yearly ritual that would bring Tim together with many life long friends and one that would reestablish the details of our adult lives.
Once in Alaska on a fishing trip with another high school friend, we were walking through a Kenai grocery store when much to our surprise we spotted Tim. It was completely random that we were all in the same store at the same time thousands of miles away from home. He would later explain he was there on "business" with clients. Tim hadn't spotted us and had absolutely no idea we to were in Alaska which gave us element of surprise. Rodger and I walked over and just started talking with him as though we had run into him in our hometown. True to form Tim never let on that we were standing in Kenai Alaska. He stayed in perfect character, just a few friends catching up and talking fishing. Tim would never want you to pull anything over on him.
Why does anyone get Cancer? Does anyone ever choose cancer? Of course they don't. It's not easy to think about cancer, let alone write about it. It leaves me with the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness and yes, relief that it hasn't found me - yet. Cancer may be a ticking time bomb that lies in wait like the monster in the closet of the minds of our childhood. It hides in our colons and beneath the pillows of our breasts. It starts in our testicles attacking our lungs while nestled in the neurons of our brains.
Sun can cause cancer. Too much food can cause cancer. Inactivity can cause cancer. Everything we do or don't do for that matter can cause cancer. There are times cancer and what it does will leave me wanting to drown my anger, sorrow, and fear in a fish bowl of adult beverage. But that too - can cause cancer.
Cancer is just so in your face. It's like the dirt that clouds Pigpen in the Peanuts Comic Strips of our society. It's like a stiff winter breeze that cuts though your light but fashionable jacket on a dark February day. It's the dog hair on everything you own when sharing a home with a Siberian and a Shepard. But cancer is more than an ever-present annoyance, it's a killer that is robbing our planet while relentlessly seeking new prey. Who doesn't know someone who has either suffered from or has died from cancer?
In the spring of 1993 Tim met Shelly Heimgartner and although there was nothing extraordinary about the beginning of their relationship, this quickly changed. Early on in their relationship it was very evident that Tim was "in trouble", you could see it in his actions and in his eyes. And when you saw them together it was obvious that Shelly was the love of his life, his soulmate. Tim, as one might expect, was glowing in the light of their love. They were absolutely beautiful together.
I spent a good part of my adult life as a professional portrait photographer. I have photographed literally thousands of brides. My sisters and sister-in-law excluded for obvious reasons, to this day when asked the answer has always remand the same, Shelly Heimgartner Druffel is the most beautiful bride I have ever seen. But it was more then what was an attractive young lady dressed in white walking down the aisle that May day in 1995, it was a combination of her exterior beauty and the inner beauty that was Shelly Heimgartner.
Outer beauty comes from our parents, our bodies creation comes from the combination of theirs. But inner beauty comes from growth of consciousness that we carry from a life lived. Our individuality is the joining of the physical heritage of our parents and the spiritual heritage of our lives, its consciousness, its bliss and its joy.
There are people where their inner beauty is so much, their inner light so bright that it radiates from their outer body. The outer body doesn't necessarily need to be considered beautiful, but the light that comes from the most inner source makes that outer body appear beautiful, radiant.
Shelly's inner beauty was this kind of beauty. When combined with her exterior beauty on that day in May it was breathtaking.
Shelly's love for Tim so natural, so deep and so complete it made it seem from the outside - so simple. Her love for Tim didn't appear to be something alive, something in flux or in need of nurturing. Her love so pure, it appeared to be almost easy. Shelly's model for love is something I keep around, pulling it out from time to time to be used as a model for the loved ones in my life; Simplistic in design, natural, complete.
I spent a good part of my adult life as a professional portrait photographer. I have photographed literally thousands of brides. My sisters and sister-in-law excluded for obvious reasons, to this day when asked the answer has always remand the same, Shelly Heimgartner Druffel is the most beautiful bride I have ever seen. But it was more then what was an attractive young lady dressed in white walking down the aisle that May day in 1995, it was a combination of her exterior beauty and the inner beauty that was Shelly Heimgartner.
Outer beauty comes from our parents, our bodies creation comes from the combination of theirs. But inner beauty comes from growth of consciousness that we carry from a life lived. Our individuality is the joining of the physical heritage of our parents and the spiritual heritage of our lives, its consciousness, its bliss and its joy.
There are people where their inner beauty is so much, their inner light so bright that it radiates from their outer body. The outer body doesn't necessarily need to be considered beautiful, but the light that comes from the most inner source makes that outer body appear beautiful, radiant.
Shelly's inner beauty was this kind of beauty. When combined with her exterior beauty on that day in May it was breathtaking.
Shelly's love for Tim so natural, so deep and so complete it made it seem from the outside - so simple. Her love for Tim didn't appear to be something alive, something in flux or in need of nurturing. Her love so pure, it appeared to be almost easy. Shelly's model for love is something I keep around, pulling it out from time to time to be used as a model for the loved ones in my life; Simplistic in design, natural, complete.
"Hey we're starting our family. Shelly is pregnant!"
"Hey Shelly has cancer."Breast Cancer places the both parents in a situation where they need to consider all parties involved. Any and all treatment options could adversely impact the fetus. Another issue with cancer is that the body is sick so it doesn't act as the best incubator and therefore doesn't always provide the proper nutrition. Cancer treatment can cause anemia because of the inability for the mother to carry oxygen well; and the mother is more susceptible to infection.
As a result of each of these risks, Tim and Shelly were faced with a tough decision of undergoing treatment or terminating the pregnancy. Terminating the pregnancy would introduce what could be moral or religious conflicts but if they delayed the treatment the cancer may advance, decreasing the chances of Shelly's survival.
The breast cancer itself has no impact on the fetus. The fetus is protected from breast cancer because the it cannot cross the placenta. Most babies exposed to Chemotherapy during the 2nd and 3rd trimesters are born healthy, there are risks but Chemo may be the best case scenario.
Ultimately, the decision was made go forward with Chemo but treatment would be delayed until it was deemed safer for the fetus.
Tim and Shelly had moved into a home on a small farm just outside of Eltopia Wa. I was in the Tri-Cities and Tim had asked that I stop by so we could visit and catch up a bit. I hadn't met his daughter Kailey so I agreed to stop in on my way home.
I remember how nervous I was as I drove up the long drive to the farm house nestled in the rolling wheat fields. I wasn't exactly sure what to expect. Shelly had been sick and there was a new born in the house but I wanted to show my support in what had to be a very difficult time.
Tim met me at the door with a hand shake that let me know I was welcome and wanted in his home. "Please come in, meet my family". As I step through the front door I could hear the baby crying in the distance. We move into the kitchen where Shelly is seated at the table, Kailey in her arms. Tim walks around behind Shelly putting his hand on her shoulder and says "Please meet my family". Shelly smiles looking down to Kailey, so happy, I could see it in her eyes.
But there were other things I could see in Shelly as well. She was well into her Chemotherapy treatment and when coupled with child birth and nurturing a new born, it was showing in her physical appearance. She had lost the majority of her hair and wore a scarf to cover her head, another outward sign of the battle raging inside her body. She was so sick! I stood fighting back tears in a moment I will never forget. The details to that day still etched in my mind as though it were yesterday.
We walked the farm that afternoon, it was apparent that Shelly wanted to get out of the house. As we walked I remember making a conscious effort to remain in the moment, not to appear distant but to be present as my mind wandered away from something so natural as a walk with friends to pondering how this could happen to anyone let alone these two people. I wondered how Tim could do it. The pressures of a new born and a wife as sick as she could ever be with an outcome that remained unknown. Tim had professional pressures as well. He continued to work most days, when he could, when he wasn't needed at home.
There was a hidden strength in Tim on full display that day. Until I stood there looking at that strength, trying to comprehend what it meant to just get up every day, I couldn't fathom what a monumental task was at hand. To face a present that isn't going as planned and a further that was uncertain at best and to do it with such strength, that moment will influence my life forever.
In time the cancer would go into remission and Tim and Shelly would move forward in as normal a fashion as possible but there would be additional demons to face in the future.
Tim had three loves in his life, Shelly, his family and his love for the outdoors. Tim was gifted in balancing the three. Because of this Shelly supported and would encourage Tim's hunting and fishing trips. Shelly's support was a gift not only to Tim but the rest of us as well. Shelly would often travel with Tim on his trips so not only did I get to hangout with a good friend but it kept me in touch with Shelly and his family as well.
Tim met me at the door with a hand shake that let me know I was welcome and wanted in his home. "Please come in, meet my family". As I step through the front door I could hear the baby crying in the distance. We move into the kitchen where Shelly is seated at the table, Kailey in her arms. Tim walks around behind Shelly putting his hand on her shoulder and says "Please meet my family". Shelly smiles looking down to Kailey, so happy, I could see it in her eyes.
But there were other things I could see in Shelly as well. She was well into her Chemotherapy treatment and when coupled with child birth and nurturing a new born, it was showing in her physical appearance. She had lost the majority of her hair and wore a scarf to cover her head, another outward sign of the battle raging inside her body. She was so sick! I stood fighting back tears in a moment I will never forget. The details to that day still etched in my mind as though it were yesterday.
We walked the farm that afternoon, it was apparent that Shelly wanted to get out of the house. As we walked I remember making a conscious effort to remain in the moment, not to appear distant but to be present as my mind wandered away from something so natural as a walk with friends to pondering how this could happen to anyone let alone these two people. I wondered how Tim could do it. The pressures of a new born and a wife as sick as she could ever be with an outcome that remained unknown. Tim had professional pressures as well. He continued to work most days, when he could, when he wasn't needed at home.
There was a hidden strength in Tim on full display that day. Until I stood there looking at that strength, trying to comprehend what it meant to just get up every day, I couldn't fathom what a monumental task was at hand. To face a present that isn't going as planned and a further that was uncertain at best and to do it with such strength, that moment will influence my life forever.
In time the cancer would go into remission and Tim and Shelly would move forward in as normal a fashion as possible but there would be additional demons to face in the future.
Tim had three loves in his life, Shelly, his family and his love for the outdoors. Tim was gifted in balancing the three. Because of this Shelly supported and would encourage Tim's hunting and fishing trips. Shelly's support was a gift not only to Tim but the rest of us as well. Shelly would often travel with Tim on his trips so not only did I get to hangout with a good friend but it kept me in touch with Shelly and his family as well.
Hunting in the fall of 2002 and Shelly is sick again, the cancer is back. This time in the limp nods. Shelly is once again fighting the good fight but the cancer has taken a toll on her and it was visible in her exterior. Her appearance hollowed and she looked so very tired. Cancer had taken it toll on the outside but cancer could never be strong enough to touch her true beauty, her inner beauty. Her love for Tim, her love for family and friends, and her love for life, these would move forward untouched by cancer.
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| Tim and Kailey |
December 6th 2002 - Tim absolutely loved fishing with Kailey but on this cold December day he would head out alone. Although Kailey wanted to go, Tim had decided it was to cold for her to be out on the water in their small open air boat.
The Call:
A friend and high school classmate calls letting me know that Tim had gone out fishing in the morning but when he failed to return by dark a private search had begun. The following day another call from Rick updating the situation. Tim's empty boat had been recovered. Tim was missing. Both professional and private search parties had been launched. I told Rick I wanted to join the private search. Rick warned against any efforts that could include the possibility of finding Tim's body.
"You're untrained. It's been more then 48 hours so this may no longer be a search and rescue, this most likely is a recovery. If it is a recovery do you want to be the one who finds Tim's body? As a paramedic we are trained in recovery and it's never easy. But to find the body of a lifetime friend that's a different story."Guilt can be productive; it can help us grow, mature and learn from our behavior. Sometimes people can overestimate their knowledge of what could have been done. In other words, an individual thinks they could or should have done something more but, in reality, could not have.
I have always felt guilt for not joining the search, thinking it was a weakness in my personality that I didn't think I had the strength to deal with finding Tim's body. In hind sight there wasn't anything I could have done in that moment in time and what I have been left with is a better ability to evaluate a situation and make the best decision not only for myself but for those around me. Even if that means to stand down. I was not equipped to add to the search and may have in fact hindered it. A hard lesson to learn; that there is sometimes strength in a preconceived weakness or that the best course of action can sometimes be inaction.
What happened isn't exactly know and never will be but there are theories. In order to lower or take off his insulated coveralls Tim removed his life jacket. Standing he lost his balance, falling he hit his head on the way out of the boat and into the frigid waters of the Columbia River.
The search would continue and although Tim's body hadn't been recovered there came a time when a memorial was necessary.
As I walked into the memorial and a packed house, there wasn't an empty seat in the church, Shelly greeted each and every person in attendance that day. When it came to be my turn to be greeted there was a hug as I searched for something I could say but there was nothing that could be. "Shelly I wish there was something I could say." She replied with "I too wish there was something to say". She seemed to be comforting me. On this, one for the most inconceivably horrible days a spouse could ever imagine, she would take my hand and for a brief moment we stand in silence as if to say "I understand Craig, there is nothing you need to say". Looking into her eyes her strength in that moment was paramount. I then quickly turned to my seat, not wanting her to see the tears in my eyes.
I would watch Shelly during the memorial and the subsequent reception that followed as I would suspect many did. She was stowick in her appearance an absolute pillar. To see her strength on this horrifying day moved and changed me forever. I grew in her strength that day and I am still finding out how much.
Tim's body was eventually recovered on January 22nd. This providing his family some answers to nagging questions surrounding the circumstances that lead to his death and some closure.
Shelly did her best to move forward in life. She was grieving and continuing in her battle with cancer but this time the battle seemed different. Her body worn down by former struggles with the killer, she seemed exceptionally tired from a cancer that appeared deeper then it had been in the past. I worried what the lose of her soulmate would do to her ability to fight. She would put on a happy face, that was Shelly but her condition could be seen through the mask.
Shelly and Kailey would move in with her parents so they could assist during her treatment. I would call from time to time. Sometimes Shelly would answer, sometimes her mother would answer. When I got her mother she would gently say "I'm sorry, Shelly is resting" and I knew Shelly was on a bad day. "I will let her know you called and thank you for calling". There were times when Shelly would answer, I could hear in her voice how very tired she was. Sometimes we wouldn't really talk at all, we would simply sit and enjoy the company of a friend even if it was just a phone call. I would sit in the glow of her strength and friendship in an effort to provide some kind of comfort in an awful time.
Shelly passed on July 6, 2003 just over 8 months after Tim's passing.
Racing under the markings of TSD. (Tim and Shelly Druffel)
At all full Ironman races part of the pre race ritual is body marking. Body marking is held in an area where very nervous athletes gather to have their race number marked in permanent marker on each shoulder and age on their calf. The volunteers are always very friendly and obliging. At every race I ask to borrow the marker so I can mark the inside of my left forearm with TSD.
Iron distance racing is a privilege because not everybody who would like to compete is given the opportunity. Out of the worlds population there are a mere handful who have attempted the distance and even fewer who have completed it. When I'm out there it challenges me. It challenges me to think about who I am and why I continue to race. It's amazing what will go through my head. The doubts that can creep in and what I have to fight through, just to keep going. To train for a 2.4 mile swim, a 112 mile bike and a marathon and to fail at it, well that just isn't an option.
When finishing is the only option, it means I am asked to push through some pretty dark places. If I'm not careful with my mental state in hard times the weight of an entire season with all the solo miles, all the hours of training when no one is watching, that can be a heavy cross to bear.
As I have progressed in my racing career, I have found things to lean on when struggling in a race. Be it the crowd, a crowd that lusts for your finish as if it were their own. Or the kind words of a training partner given to me to be carried within as I race and to be reflected upon when the body is weak in the monumental effort that is an Iron distance race. It could be a family member who's strength in this world is something I hope I possess and continue to reaffirm that the example put forth is something that I will spend a lifetime chasing.
But racing under TSD is something different for me. It's about strength both mental and physical. It's about an unwavering strength no mater what comes my way during a race. Be it something within my control or something completely outside of my control. The writing of TSD on my forearm is my chosen outward sign of strength. It's in my face the entire race, there is no looking away from it, there is no escaping it. It's a blatant reminder of what it takes physically just to get through the day.
TSD is also a inward reminder of a mental strength that for me can waver through out the day. You do what you can to prepare for race day mentally. That means coming in with a mental picture of the entire race or a mental plan for things when they don't go as expected. You do what you can but you will still need a lot more.
This is when I lean on the strength of Tim and Shelly. I lean on them as individuals and as a couple. When I struggle either mentally or physically, I reflect on their strengths. I reflect on how trivial this little race is in the grand scheme of things. How I have chosen to challenge myself in an effort to find limits. Limits that pale in comparison but limits that teach about strength on and off the course.
The strengths I carry are learned and I can only wonder if they continue to grow within me. I guess that's part of the reason I continue to toe the line. The strengths that live in me, that grow in me will always be my strengths but I can only hope that they will help keep both Tim and Shelly's examples alive. I will continue to carrying these strengths in races around the world to lean on in times of trouble and I will carry them in hopes that others will look upon them and learn from them. It will be my continued tribute to a friend and his wife that provide an example of their strengths and to have TSD continue to grow not only in me but in others as well.
Racing under the markings of TSD. (Tim and Shelly Druffel)
At all full Ironman races part of the pre race ritual is body marking. Body marking is held in an area where very nervous athletes gather to have their race number marked in permanent marker on each shoulder and age on their calf. The volunteers are always very friendly and obliging. At every race I ask to borrow the marker so I can mark the inside of my left forearm with TSD.
Iron distance racing is a privilege because not everybody who would like to compete is given the opportunity. Out of the worlds population there are a mere handful who have attempted the distance and even fewer who have completed it. When I'm out there it challenges me. It challenges me to think about who I am and why I continue to race. It's amazing what will go through my head. The doubts that can creep in and what I have to fight through, just to keep going. To train for a 2.4 mile swim, a 112 mile bike and a marathon and to fail at it, well that just isn't an option.
When finishing is the only option, it means I am asked to push through some pretty dark places. If I'm not careful with my mental state in hard times the weight of an entire season with all the solo miles, all the hours of training when no one is watching, that can be a heavy cross to bear.
As I have progressed in my racing career, I have found things to lean on when struggling in a race. Be it the crowd, a crowd that lusts for your finish as if it were their own. Or the kind words of a training partner given to me to be carried within as I race and to be reflected upon when the body is weak in the monumental effort that is an Iron distance race. It could be a family member who's strength in this world is something I hope I possess and continue to reaffirm that the example put forth is something that I will spend a lifetime chasing.
But racing under TSD is something different for me. It's about strength both mental and physical. It's about an unwavering strength no mater what comes my way during a race. Be it something within my control or something completely outside of my control. The writing of TSD on my forearm is my chosen outward sign of strength. It's in my face the entire race, there is no looking away from it, there is no escaping it. It's a blatant reminder of what it takes physically just to get through the day.
TSD is also a inward reminder of a mental strength that for me can waver through out the day. You do what you can to prepare for race day mentally. That means coming in with a mental picture of the entire race or a mental plan for things when they don't go as expected. You do what you can but you will still need a lot more.
This is when I lean on the strength of Tim and Shelly. I lean on them as individuals and as a couple. When I struggle either mentally or physically, I reflect on their strengths. I reflect on how trivial this little race is in the grand scheme of things. How I have chosen to challenge myself in an effort to find limits. Limits that pale in comparison but limits that teach about strength on and off the course.
The strengths I carry are learned and I can only wonder if they continue to grow within me. I guess that's part of the reason I continue to toe the line. The strengths that live in me, that grow in me will always be my strengths but I can only hope that they will help keep both Tim and Shelly's examples alive. I will continue to carrying these strengths in races around the world to lean on in times of trouble and I will carry them in hopes that others will look upon them and learn from them. It will be my continued tribute to a friend and his wife that provide an example of their strengths and to have TSD continue to grow not only in me but in others as well.
